Not Saying Goodbye (by Edie Brickell)

My last two or three blogs have been short, heavy, and ambiguous. For that I am sorry. I've been suffering great heartache at the loss of an extremely special and loving relationship. It's bizarre how God grants us such wonderful gifts and then, in certain situations, takes them back from us. I'm struggling to understand all that is going on and how I'm supposed to process, manage, learn, and grow from all of this. I trust that God is strengthening my relationship with him through my weakness and sorrow. I can see that he is calling me to love him first and with all of my heart. For my entire life I have been learning to give all of who I am to God, save for one part - my relationships; he's finally calling me out and asking for this final piece of who I am. You'd think this would be a wonderful feeling - a feeling of release and peace that God is finally getting everything he deserves from me. If only it were that easy. If only the process was that beautiful. Like cleaning out a closet, sometimes you have to create an absolute disaster before you're able to start cleaning. I've been going through that disaster, and I will continue to sift through the wreckage for quite some time as I attempt to clean out my heart and my life, getting things in order to fully and completely hand it over to God. But I'm trying. The toughest lesson to learn seems to be how to truly give someone up to God without letting them out of your life. One thing's for sure - I'm not saying goodbye!

Tailspin (by The Jayhawks)

It's a lot easier to express myself during the down phases of my life when I live 10,000 miles away from everyone who reads this. I'm trying to figure out if life feels like it's going into a tailspin (a feeling I've experienced more than a handful of times in my life) or if it's simply run full-force into a thick, brick wall - but either way, things are less than ideal right now. The thing that sucks the most is that I'm not sure how to deal with it all, I'm very much not in a place where I want to talk about it, and I certainly don't want to pretend everything is hunky-dory. That makes it very difficult to write a blog. So, for now, please bare with me while I potentially go from week to week with little or nothing to say. I'll do my best to keep you posted and we'll see what turns up on here.